Football beer

There seems to be a football tournament of some kind occurring in Europe. Not quite sure where, but there are always mountains in the background. I guess that rules out Holland.

Sometimes it's soothing to stick to sterotypical male behaviour. Like football and drinking beer. The two go together extremely well. Unless you're actually trying to play the game, in which case it's annoying to have to keep going to the dressing room for a wee.

As England managed to avoid qualification, watching the tournament is less stressful than in previous years. Consequently, I have less need of beer to get me through to the final whistle thrombie-free. The throbbling effect of constant tension gives me a hell of a thirst when England's best are cocking things up again on the pitch. So I usually plump for something fairly weak. My usual tipples - all strong Belgians - would have me lying in a pool of my own fluids before half time.

A tension-free tournament is something else. With England out of the picture, I'm not reflex slurping all through the games. I'm able to drink consciously and with pleasure. So which beers are best suited?


Early games (18:00)
I only get home shortly before these games kick off. In such pre-prandial circumstances, my beer of choice has to be St. Bernardus Abt. Served in a Chimay glass, of course. It just doesn't taste right any other way. It's the perfect way to unwind after a busy day. It works for my type of days, too.


Games of the Dutch team
I'll admit that not all games are tension-free for me. When Holland play, I do get the odd twitch of steel band across the chest. Alcohol is what you need to stop your pulse dancing to a drum 'n bass beat. The perfect delivery system is St. Bernardus Abt. Served in a Chimay glass.


Late games (21:00)
Just when I'm starting to wind down and prepare for bed. Too much fluid at this point, and I'll be in and out of the bathroom all night. So a beer without too much water. Just about perfect is St. Bernardus Abt. Served in a Chimay glass.


Quarter-finals
Things start to get interesting in this phase. But there's the possibility of extra time and penalties. A game could last as much as two and a half hours. This is when something less strong is needed. My recommendation is St. Bernardus Prior. Served in a Chimay glass.


Semi-finals
It's serious agogo time. No-one likes to fall at the final hurdle before the final. But there's a long build up to the games. You want to be able to focus for the second half, so easy does it before kickoff. My choice is St. Bernardus Pater. Served in a Chimay glass. Moving on to St. Bernardus Prior after half time. Served in a Chimay glass. Extra time or post-match analysis should be accompanied by St. Bernardus Abt. Served in a straight pint glass. Only joking. In a Chimay glass.


The final
This will be a long day. For the first 3 hours of the pre-match build up, St. Bernardus Pater is your man. Served in a Chimay glass. Pop a bottle of St. Bernardus Prior at kickoff. If the Dutch are playing, you'll also need a bottle of jenever. Korenwijn at least. Rutte 12 or Villiers 8 are best. Every time the Dutch have a shot on goal, drink a shot. If they score, pour yourself a double.

At half time, clean your Chimay glass thoroughly. Have a full (Chimay) glass of St. Bernardus Abt ready for the start of the second half. If the Dutch are in the lead, have a jenever to keep it company. Should the Dutch be winning at full time, at least you won't be able to see it. If it goes to penalties (and you're still conscious) knock back a jenever every time the Dutch score or their opponents miss.

What's your favourite football beer?


* 1914 SSS is a good substitute for Abt and Prior.
** 1914 Porter is a good substitute for Pater.