Yes, I know it isn't quite December. I was trying to be ahead of the game this year. It was a dreadful rush last time, with Andrew nagging in my ear: "Daaad, just finish it. Don't have another Abt, get on with it. It won't be ready until January at this rate."
I hope the five extra days will boost sales into triple digits*. For anyone wanting to make fortune (in the unlikely event of me being collectable at some point), this is the book to invest in. My set will be Dolores's widow's pension. The illegible 2012 edition - I've the only copy - should see both kids through college.
Ramble, wander, ramble. You can tell I've already broken the seal on the floor (I'd call it my beer cellar, but that would be pretentious and not strictly true), the words are tumbling out like rats from a sewer. I'm supposed to be convincing you to buy another of my wordless books.
It's odd that, as someone who thinks he knows his way around a sentence, two of the books I'm most proud of contain none. Sentences, I mean. And precious few words.
Yule Logs!!, my annual tribute to Norse responsible consumption, has a total of 249 words. (I said to Dolores: "My payment per word has just shot up. You won't believe how much I getting for this book.") I'm now going to bollox that up by giving them away for free:
Copyright © 2014 Ronald Pattinson
The right of Ronald Pattinson to be identified as the author of his work has been asserted by him in
accordance with the
COPYRIGHT, DESIGNS AND PATENTS ACT OF 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed upon the subsequent purchaser.
Published in December 2014 by
171 hs Warmondstraat, Amsterdam, Noord- Holland
1805 Barclay Perkins BST
1813 Whitbread Table Stout
1826 Truman Keeping
1832 St. Stephens X
1848 William Younger sheet 1
1848 William Younger sheet 2
1858 Tetley XX 4 top
1858 Tetley XX 4 bottom
1868 Medway Porter and X
1870 Simmonds XX sheet 1
1870 Simmonds XX sheet 2
1886 Hodgson XX sheet 1
1886 Hodgson XX sheet 2
1890 Hodgson Bitter Ale sheet 2
1899 Fullers AK sheet 1
1899 Fullers AK sheet 2
1904 Whitbread IPA
1906 Barclay Perkins KK
1917 Kidd LPA
1915 Drybrough sheet 1
1915 Drybrough sheet 2
1922 Camden PA
1930 Russell 6d Ale
1939 Maclay SA and PA 6d
1941 Barclay Perkins IBS and LS
1954 Whitbread DB
1962 Barclay Perkins Export Lager
1965 Beasley IPA
1964 Truman P1 and P2
1972 Whitbread Final Selection
I can see I'm not really selling the book. Which is the idea, if I want Dolores to have a merry widowhood.
If you have to, purchase my rubbishy, word-free book sometime over the next five weeks, if you can be arsed.
* I'm an assembler programmer. My digits are binary.